March 2018
What does it mean to have balance in a relationship?
Below is an excerpt from my dissertation study. It is an analysis of lived experience of a woman discussing the spousal abuse of her mother. As a result, she developed strong beliefs about the role of gender in marriage and a determination to demand equality in her own marital relationship:
[Her] childhood was remembered as a time of …intermittent periods of cruel and helpless exposure to [the abuse of her mother]. Having witnessed her mother being struck during attempts to speak up for herself was tremendously painful. The experience of emotional and physical abuse [of her mother] has left sharp views about the role of gender in relationships. Relationships characteristic of male dominance and devoid of female voice is a potentially inhumane and unbearable existence for her. The memory of the pain of a mother’s suffering has value…The experience of the past has great meaning …and must be learned from for purposes of protecting and asserting herself in relationships…Her husband’s …views about relationships threaten her independence and serves as a reminder of her mother’s degrading experience… She views her husband’s thinking as outdated and detrimental to their marriage. She concedes [his] natural strengths as a man and having a stronger hand “when it comes to child rearing.” But this is where the line is drawn. Beyond this factor, she [believes she] is equal to him.
My Thoughts for You
One important element of balance or equality in relationships is communication. The ability of each partner to convey and accept what is important to the other is essential. Thinking of balance as a 50/50 proposition can be faulty. Approaching balance as a matter of who will do what in the relationship is likely more realistic. Many couples fail to discuss marital roles before tying the knot or moving in together. Discussion alone is not enough. A period of adjustment will likely be needed, but the discussion sets the foundation for building a balance of power.
Family-of-origin issues often emerge in couples’ relationships. What individuals learn and experience from their parents, social environments, the media, and other connections have the potential to play out in the relationship as part of a basic belief system about roles. A lack of flexibility is potentially harmful to healthy interactions.
Three Points About Balance in Couples’ Treatment:
- While family history has value, the chosen treatment modality permits a focus on what is happening in the present and helping couples to uncover hidden meanings of problematic behaviors.
- The focus is equally upon each partner’s core beliefs and expectations in the relationship.
- Treatment focuses on modifying or adjusting certain core beliefs that could be contributing to marital imbalance and discord.
Note: When domestic violence is an issue, it is important to help the battered member or members find safety until the crisis has passed. A return to therapeutic goals becomes appropriate, thereafter.
Next month in THINK ON THESE THINGS: Helping Families Through the Opioid Crisis